How you deceive yourself: 10 ways you lie to yourself

Self-deception is one of the few topics in which I consider myself an expert . I am the queen of self-deception, I assure you, so I hope I can give you a few clues so that you can distinguish it and, if not eliminate it, at least not let it control your entire life.

Let’s see, we all deceive ourselves. Faced with the truth of suffering, one of two: either you deceive yourself or you are enlightened.I assume that you, like me, are not enlightened, so we can continue talking about the subject. We are programmed to go in search of pleasure and flee from pain and, from that deceptive starting point (that of believing that fleeing from pain is what we should do), it is impossible not to deceive ourselves.

But, first of all, what is self-deception? We could define it as a trap of the mind through which you convince yourself of a reality that is false.

And how to distinguish what is true from what is false? , you will say. I would like to give you a scientific answer to that, but I don’t have one. What I do have is what emotional exploration, meditation and memoir ghostwriting services have taught me.

Twenty years of meditating have given me the certainty that there is nothing fundamentally wrong in us or in the reality that surrounds us. What is wrong is our point of view, marked by ignorance, which makes us make a separation between self and the other, and that leads us to relate to the world based on attachment and rejection.

I have said before that we were “programmed” to seek pleasure and flee from pain . But just because we have a pre-designed program inserted into our hard drive does not mean that we “are” that, or that the way that program makes us perceive things is the truth or reality. In fact, we can cover up the truth, which has to do with our authentic nature, with a lot of effort, active ignorance and self-deception, but as soon as we relax (in meditation, for example) that whole construct collapses like a house of cards

To capture self-deception, it helps me to divide my experience into the spheres of the body, the heart, and the mind. The more aligned I feel these three spheres, the closer I am to my true nature, which, in turn, is aligned with the world and transcends the extremes of “good” and “bad”, or “pleasure” and “pain.” And the separation—or dissociation—between these three spheres helps me measure self-deception.

It is not usual to experience at the same time what your body perceives, what your heart feels and what happens in your mind. Rather, we tend to be jumping from one sphere to another, identifying with each plot and solidifying it as if it were real, and that is precisely the source of self-deception.

Let’s now look at some ways in which you can deceive yourself:

1. You identify with your beliefs

Beliefs are mental and emotional constructs that we have inherited from our parents and the environment in which we lived as children. The bad thing about beliefs is that they are not usually in the light, but rather they manage your life without you barely realizing it, in a subterranean and automatic way. And you are so extremely identified with them (you “believe” them so much) that it doesn’t even occur to you to question them.

But just because you believe them doesn’t make them true, nor does it mean that they can’t be changed. Thinking you are clumsy, for example, can cause you to behave clumsily. And that is precisely where self-deception lies, in which you take the effect for the cause, you say to yourself “But how clumsy I am,” and thus you perpetuate the belief.

We lie to ourselves with thousands of deceptive beliefs (“I’m worthless”, “No one can love me”, “Money is bad”, “I have to work my butt off to be someone in life”, “I’m the best” , etc.), we actually make a home out of them, and we jump like a mad dog when someone endangers that place to which we are so accustomed, even if it is the most inhospitable.

You will begin to transcend your beliefs when you become aware of them and see clearly how they act in your three spheres of experience (for example, your mind becomes negative and narrow, your heart shrinks, and you catch the flu). That is, you stop being hooked on a thought (confusing it with reality) to connect to the whole experience, and that, in turn, can lead you to change your behavior.

2. You identify with your opinions

You think that the Russians are the bad guys, that Real Madrid is the best, that the rules are there to be followed, that public education is shit, that capitalism should be abolished or that they should put mixed services in all the bars in the country. Whatever you think, what do you generally identify with and believe is the truth?

Well, that is another form of self-deception, because opinions are not the truth, they are just opinions or points of view. It’s okay to have your own point of view on things, it’s even great that you have it, but if you try to transform it into the truth, you will be enclosing reality in a very small box, and you will be missing out on the enormous amount of nuances and perspectives that are not the one in which you have boxed yourself in.

Disidentifying from your opinions, admitting that they can change, opening yourself to new perspectives, seeing what not only your head, but your heart and your body “think,” holding a point of view without solidifying it, can help you get out of this type of self-deception.

3. You identify with your character

You are shy, or distrustful, or a smoker, or affectionate, or seductive, or persistent, or talkative, or thoughtful, or defeatist, or elegant, or “sad”… So what? Do you plan to be like this forever? Aren’t you going to give yourself the opportunity to be another way? How about you get out of that car and see what happens?

I remember that what was most difficult for me about quitting smoking was disidentifying from the smoking Isa. If I didn’t smoke, who was I? The bad thing is that the same thing happens to me with my shyness, my distrust, my anxiety, my propensity for sadness or my perfectionism. The moment I give them carte blanche to configure myself, I engage in massive self-deception, the secondary benefit of which is that, since “that’s who I am,” I don’t have to take responsibility for my life.

We are so attached to our character traits that we confuse them with who we really are. On one occasion I heard Sergi Torres say, in one of his mass talks at the Goya theater in Barcelona: «If I had to go out here, on this stage, in front of all of you, identified with my character, I would be unable to articulate a word. ».

It is one thing that you have certain predispositions; Another thing is to believe that you “are” your predispositions. Applying awareness to this identification with your character and seeing how it manifests in the realm of your body, your emotions and your thoughts, is to begin to free yourself from this form of self-deception.

4. You identify with your emotions

When a baby needs affection or protection and they are not given it, they cry. She has no sense of time, so she has no patience either. It seems to him that her discomfort will last forever. That is why it is so important to take care of babies as soon as possible, it is not worth telling them: “Wait until the accounting for this quarter is over, and then I’ll pick you up.” If her crying has no effect, she will cry harder. If he is not attended to, he will reach such a point of desperation that he will become overwhelmed, give up and become depressed. And she can die of “emotional hunger” or, in any case, suffer serious deterioration for life.

When you’re older, you have more resources. You learn to wait for mealtime or for a hug, because you know you won’t have to wait forever. And yet, in many ways you are still a baby. You identify with your moods to such an extent that you let them completely color the way you see reality. When you are sad, it seems to you that that sadness will never go away , you “are” that sadness, you perceive the outside with that filter and you believe it at face value. When you are happy, it seems to you that the world will be rosy until the end of time. And so, you jump through different emotional states, thinking that the one now is the definitive one.

The secondary benefit of this self-deception is that, by believing that you are your emotions, you do not have to take responsibility for them. Holding sadness, or joy, or anxiety, or anger in your body, your heart and your mind… without becoming them and acting reactively, is not so easy, but it is very beneficial, because it gives you the opportunity to learn. little by little that the colors with which you see the world are not reality, but only filters. And then, yes, you can enjoy the wonderful energetic and kaleidoscopic spectacle that your emotions generate.

5. You identify with who you want to be

Personally, I have spent half my life pretending to be a character (built on intellect) that had nothing to do with what I felt inside. I wanted to be (a really good person) a strong, independent, committed, kind, compassionate person, a loving mother, an effective worker and I don’t know how many other things. But it was a bit like when an apprentice writer wants to write like Raymond Carver and, without paying attention to the source of his stories, simply tries to imitate his external and superficial characteristics (the simplicity of the language, the absence of adjectives, the sordidness of the environments…).

Well, I did the same thing with the features of that person I wanted to be: superimpose them on what I felt deep down in my being and that I didn’t like at all, make up all my imperfections to the point of exhaustion so that they seemed like what they weren’t. Come on, I got into a huge self-deception that I’m having a hard time getting out of for the other half of my life.

Again, get off the donkey of your thoughts and fantasies (which you confuse with reality) and see what is happening in the entire spectrum of your experience, open the door to your imperfect, insecure, childish and damaged parts, air your body tensions , your pains and your limitations, cleaning the dust from your contradictions and your internal conflicts, is the only way to begin to enter into a relationship with that wonderful person that you never stopped being and to whom you did not want to pay attention.

6. You identify with your body

You go to the gym, you eat healthy, you think—or you want to think—you are forever young, you delight in a steak, you go to the spa, you have a great vacation in the Mar Menor, you go dancing once a week, you Those wrinkles that are appearing on your neck worry you, you make love every Saturday, you put on makeup to go out to buy bread…

Instead of feeling your body or enjoying your senses, you identify with them in such a way that you become absent from your impermanence, mortality, and decay. One day they tell you that you have cancer and you fall on your ass, as if those things, reserved only for the rest of humanity, couldn’t happen to you.

In the story “The Tiny Tech” , by Amy Hempel, the young protagonist suffers a serious accident when she is riding a motorcycle with a man she has recently met. One of her legs is left for dragging. In one part of the story, the protagonist says: «After the accident, that man got married. The girl he married was a model. (“Do you think physical appearance is important?” I asked that man before he left. “Not at first,” he replied.) »

No comment.

Identification with the body is one of the greatest deceptions—and self-deceptions—of consumer society. And, curiously, it is what prevents you from relating to him in a healthy and pleasant way. It is as if you look at your body from a mental point of view: you relate and identify with a fantasy of what your body is, but not with the living, wise and continually changing experience of your body and your senses. Beginning to recognize that sphere of experience, which is not separate from your heart and mind, means facing this type of self-deception.

7. You project your internal conflicts onto others

We spend a good part of our lives complaining, and the other part blaming others for our problems. Or does it not happen to you? It doesn’t seem like an easy task to take responsibility for the fact that your adult life is, for the most part, your thing. That doesn’t mean that others won’t bitch at you, or that you can suffer an accident at any moment, or catch Covid, or that a war breaks out in your country. But only you are responsible for how you relate to everything that happens to you.

Blaming others, the world or the circumstances for what happens to us is one of the most widespread self-deceptions in a sick, infantile and traumatized society, whose individuals live neurotized and paranoid, seeing enemies everywhere and turning their existence into a battle. fierce against those who believe that they are making their lives impossible.

I have lived almost my entire life subjected to this type of self-deception in my intimate relationships, very attached to the role of the poor naive girl whom everyone hurt and disappointed, using my partners to torment me and not to take control of my life. life, putting on the mask of monsters to justify my inability to set limits and being the eternal girl in search of protection.

When you find yourself complaining, blaming, or judging someone, I recommend that you turn your gaze inward and explore your body, your heart, and your mind in search of the conflict that you are projecting externally, as if from a movie—your own movie . —it was about cinema. That is the first step to get out of this enormous self-deception.

8. You compare yourself to others

I don’t know about you, but I have spent my life measuring myself against others. In fact, for a long time, when I met someone new, I wouldn’t stop until I found enough flaws in them that I wouldn’t feel like shit around them. Although in the end, mind you, I still felt shit.

Comparing yourself to others is a way of lying to yourself about who you are. Because who stipulates the unit of measurement? Well, yourself with your patterns and beliefs. What truth can there then be in the measurement results? If your beliefs lead you to have low self-esteem, comparing yourself to others will lead you to feel inferior. If your beliefs lead you to have airs of grandeur, comparison will make you feel superior. Either outcome has nothing to do with reality, but rather self-deception.

Observing yourself with curiosity in this process of comparing yourself with others can help you open the camera lens and begin to appreciate yourself with all your peculiarities and nuances, your qualities and your flaws. And to learn to do the same with others.

9. You lie to lie to yourself

Many times I find myself telling others what I want to hear, what I want to convince myself of—and which is usually in contradiction with what I really feel. That is to say, I lie like a scoundrel so I can believe my own lies, because admitting the truth scares me.

This type of self-deception can lead you to say “I want to marry you” when what you feel is insufficient love, or to say “I can do it alone” when what you need is help. In this way, a first lie can become an escalation of contradictions that, at some point, will explode in your face.

The English poet Alexander Pope said: “He who tells a lie does not know what task he has undertaken, because he will be obliged to invent twenty more to maintain the certainty of the first.”

Normally, this self-deception is based on a feeling that (perhaps because it goes against your beliefs) you are hiding from yourself, covering it with the verbalization of a desire (which, possibly, coincides with your beliefs or with what has been instilled in you). If you get in touch not only with what you want, but also with what you feel underneath and with the signals your body is giving you, you are more likely to notice this subtle self-deception and choose to be honest with yourself. and, therefore, also with others.

10. You pour into others

This is a very common type of self-deception in women, since the program they installed on our hard drive by default has to do with always being available for other people’s needs . And it seems that caring for others exempts us from taking responsibility for ourselves.

Giving back to others is usually highly regarded (especially by those who benefit from it, of course), but it is not always an altruistic act. Most of the time, in fact, the need to be loved, accepted, protected or valued by those you pour yourself into is underneath. And underneath that is your inability to love, accept, protect and value yourself.

Throughout my life I have lost a lot of money, property, friendships and even a company because of that misunderstood “altruism.” And this, in turn, has led me to feel resentment and distrust that I still struggle with.